The other day I was talking to my mom about my grandma who's been staying with us since she arrived from Mexico because the people that she usually stays with (my uncle's family) don't need her "services" since they aren't really working right now and they don't really have an extra room to let her stay in like we do.  I notice little things here and there about comments that my grandma makes or things that she does that shows me how much more she loves them than any of her other grandchildren (me included and I'm her first grandchild...there's gotta be some sort of seniority, right?  No, I'm kidding about the seniority bit).  I got to thinking why that is and all I could come up with was that she's actually lived close to them for most of their life then she has with any of us...so it kinda makes sense why she feels closer to them.  We haven't actually lived in Mexico for over twenty years so I can see how she could feel distanced from us but I never really expected to see it...you know what I mean?  Just the thought of that makes the little crack in my heart ache.  I know I've heard little kids in other families ask "which one of us do you love more" and the response is always "I love you all the same" but to actually know in your heart, because you've seen it first hand, hurts.  I don't consider this to be jealousy; in fact, that's the furthest thing from my mind and it doesn't make me love her any less than I already do because I love her more than words can say...but it sucks that I actually found out!  These sort of things are always happening to me and I don't know if it's because I'm the oldest (grandchild in this case) or whatever but for most of them I wish I hadn't been the one to find out.  For example, when my grandpa died I was the one that was told first in my family.  It was hard for me to have to tell my mom that her father had died especially because at that time she was sick herself.  I don't know...all of this is hard to comprehend.